Living large in a small (?) place

27 Feb

I see my last post was in December.  If you’ve read that post, you surely realize I have been busy.  Trying new things, meeting new people,   I am indeed living large in a small place.

So why the (?) in the title?  Well. that is a story in itself.  I’m living in basically a one room apartment.  There are no windows except a 6″ gap at the top of the front door and about the same at the top of the bathroom window.  This was formerly a storeroom and all the windows have been closed off.  Although I say I’m living in a one room apartment, the apartment really has two rooms, with a big opening between them.  That other part is for other family members’ use and I rarely do anything there.  It does, however, serve as a very welcome sense of space, in what would otherwise–for me–be a somewhat claustrophobic place!  Also, there is a connecting door to the business area, that I can open (at times) and see windows and more light.

Then, too, there is the whole outside area!  I am close to nearly everything.  Within walking distance of drug store, grocery, post office, several restaurants and the river,  This is mostly what makes it possible for me to live here.  I love light.  I have a son who liked his bedroom in the basement.  Not me.  If I go for very long without light and sun, I start being very grumpy.  And living in this low-light apartment forces me out.  So even on cool cloudy, rainy days, I’m usually outside for at least part of the day.  I may be in the car, instead of walking, but I’m out.

And speaking of being in the car—I’ve found so many things to do in the surrounding areas.  To me, Jacksonville seems to be one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever been in.  It is so easy to get around and the traffic isn’t too terrible even in the busiest times.   I’ve been driving around a lot.  And I find so much to look at and take pics of.  So much I eventually want to draw.  There are parks all over.  There is the river, well I should say rivers.  Because there are several.  And all of the shopping. Beautiful older homes.  Little quaint areas with very narrow streets.  Sailboats dotting the river landscape.  The downtown skyline.    Then there is the beach, although for some strange reason, I find myself drawn more to the rivers than the beach.  But I still enjoy the beach and will probably spend more time there.

I’ve found many new friends on meet-up.com.  I’ve also found some groups that sounded like something I might be interested in–but realized (thankfully before I joined them) that some group titles aren’t what one might think.  Another learning experience for me!

Back to my small apartment.  I’ve been interested in small spaces for a long time, and find I really love this size place.  It has everything I need!  It’s amazing how little it really takes to live.  In fact the only thing I would eventually miss that I don’t have room for is my piano and my garden.  It is so convenient and easy to keep clean.  I think that is because when things get messy I notice it more.  Instead of stuff strung all around the house, it is right there in front of me.

In fact I love it so much down here that I have been dreading going back.  Then it occurred to me—I don’t really have to.  Perhaps this is a time in my life for some me time.  I can try it for awhile and see what the summer is like.  I don’t have to commit to any time frame.  Maybe I can spend time both places.  Or maybe I will find I tire of this.  Who knows?  The thing I’m savoring now, is that I have that choice.

I want to add some pics and describe some of the places I’ve been.  But that will have to be in the future.  Just now I’m enjoying the doing!  Loving my small place, made large by the outdoor world.

My changeable life

27 Dec

Seems like it’s been ages since I posted.  It’s not that I’ve been too busy–although I have been busier than usual.  Maybe I just didn’t have anything to say.  Or maybe nothing I wanted to share.

It’s funny.  Sometimes I just can hardly wait to write, to get my thoughts down, whether anyone reads them or not.  But other times, even though I have thoughts, sometimes many of them, it seems I have to keep them to myself–at least for awhile.  And then there are times–like today–where I really don’t have any specific thought or theme, yet I want to write.  So I meander around and somehow end up with something readable–at least I hope so.

I’ve really enjoyed the traveling I’ve done this fall and early winter.  I can’t remember a time when I had such leisurely trips.  I had enough time to get to where I was going without having to push.  And some trips didn’t even have a specific deadline, which I thoroughly took advantage of.

I took lots of pics.  Some I want to try to paint or draw.  Yet most of the pics don’t do justice to the scenes.  Not that most of the scenes were so great.  But I was awed again by the splendid beauty of nature and the touches we humans add to the mix.  I found myself enjoying both.

In a trip to Minnesota I marveled at the changing scenery.  I would be driving along, seeing mile after mile of cropland.  America’s breadbasket, my father used to say.  Then just when I was getting a little tired of it, the scene would change to rolling hills with trees in the canyons.  Or I would be on the plains, only to drop down into a little village in the river bottom.  Then climb back up to the table land again.  There were be woody areas, followed by vast open, slightly rolling land.  Places I would come up over a hill and I could see for miles.  And open areas where the sky seemed so big and the road went on and on.  So thrilling to see and be driving through!   I didn’t get pics of all that I would have liked, because this was a one person road trip and I really didn’t want to stop EVERY time I saw something I liked.  And often I was past before it registered and I would think: Oh, I wish I had a pic of that!

Then there were a couple of trips to Mississippi.  One had a bit of a deadline going down, but not coming back.  Again, I loved that.  On the second trip, I headed on to northern Florida where I plan to stay for the winter.  On all these trips I enjoyed being able to plan my own route, to be able to get off the beaten path, to see something new, just because it took my fancy.  Such freedom!  And memories that make me smile as I think of them.  Nothing big or grand, but special just the same.

As I write this I realize that I have found some of the joys of being alone.  Not that I don’t still miss my husband.  I do.  Sometimes, still, so much that it makes me ache.  Yet I’m slowly learning that I can still have a life and that I can enjoy that life.

The trips, and subsequent decision to winter in Florida came about because I knew I would just vegetate if I remained home, especially as cooler weather approached.  I used to love winter, enjoyed playing in the snow and even shoveling walks.  But the older I got, the colder the winters seemed, especially after the death of my husband.

Contemplating another cold winter alone, I knew I had to make some changes.  Even though I had added some activities in my life since the last winter, I knew I wouldn’t want to even get out to do them if it was cold, or bad weather.  Henceforth the trips and the idea of wintering in Florida.

So, now I’m in Florida, in the Jacksonville area.  The weather is wonderful!  Last week was in the 70’s and 80’s. I was thinking that I had brought way too warm of clothing.  But it did cool off a bit for Christmas.  Today it is sweater weather for me. But I’ve noticed most of the ‘natives’ wearing jackets.  I’ve been walking a lot.  Not every day, but certainly more than I have for a long while.  I love exploring my neighborhood on foot, taking pics of special things or things I may want write about or try to draw/paint later.

In my head I am, even now, composing new posts to add of my activities while here.  However,there is so much to do down here.  So many things that I will have to pick and choose carefully. Cause I don’t want to be so busy that I don’t have the quiet times that I so need.  Or the time to do some unplanned, spur of the moment things.   And I know as I add more things to my calendar, I may not feel the need to write.  Then again, I may.  The only thing I can accurately be assured of about myself is that I am changeable!

Today I went to the funeral of a man I didn’t know

5 Nov

No, that isn’t a normal thing for me to do.  In fact, since my husband’s I have become somewhat anti-funeral.  I know that some people feel that a funeral brings closure, and while I respect that choice, I personally just don’t see the sense, anymore, of people standing around looking at a dead body.

At my husband’s, the funeral director must have noticed I was somewhat avoiding the body because I remember him asking me something about if I was satisfied by the way he looked.  I replied (I hope graciously) that he was ok.  But inside I was screaming, “No, he doesn’t look all right.  He looks like a dead!

So when a friend from an organization I belong to called me yesterday to inform me of the funeral, even as I was listening to her and writing down the information, I was thinking Oh a funeral’.

Yet today I  attended the funeral–of a man I didn’t know.  It wasn’t idle curiosity.  He was the brother of another woman in the organization.  A woman that  has become my friend.  Although we aren’t bosom buddies, we are friends.  And even though I really don’t care for funerals, I felt a need to ‘be there’ for her.

I went to the funeral.  The visitation was just before the funeral and I attended the last half-hour of it.  I met my friend’s sister.  Both my friend and her sister thanked me for coming.

As I listened to the comments during the visitation, It seemed to me that everyone there, except for me, knew the man. My other friend from the organization had known him through his sister, whom she has known much longer than I have.

As funerals go, to me it was one of the better ones.  Simple.  Not large.  Not too long   Simple heartfelt music sung by family members.  Music that uplifted.  There was no sermon.  My friend’s sister led the service.  The attendees were offered the opportunity to speak of things they remembered about the man.  They were ask to speak of uplifting things, things that would bring comfort.

The mother spoke first.  Then her husband, the step-dad.  Simple remembrances of his life.  Some that brought smiles, others that brought tears to our eyes.  I could feel the love they had for the man.  One woman told of knowing him since childhood and of shared memories.   A picture of him was forming in my mind..

One man–ll call him Dan ( I have no idea of his name) spoke in a different manner.  He said he was the father.  He told of struggles the man had experienced.  He spoke of estrangement between them.  He said that he was glad that in the last years they had gotten closer and he recalled activities they had shared together.

After the funeral as we were waiting outside for the family, I overheard someone that was displeased that ‘Dan’ had brought up old hurts.  They said it wasn’t uplifting.  I wondered about that.  I don’t think that ‘Dan’ meant to be unkind.  I think he was just expressing his own memories and feelings.

After I got home I continued to think of the experience.  The more I thought about it, I felt that ‘Dan’ seemed to define the man by his condition, by his struggles.  The others seem to have seen beyond the struggles, to the man and remembered him.  They spoke of his heart, of love and friendship.

I know the others will miss him tremendously and my heart goes out to them,  Yet, really, they are not the ones I grieve for.  That is reserved for ‘Dan’ who through most of the man’s life, and perhaps even now, defines him differently.  For some reason, it seems to me he never fully knew the man.  I feel he had missed the rich essence of his son’s life.  That is sad.  The others are hurting, but they have warm memories, which will help sustain them in the days ahead.

As I reflect on this day, I realize that I;m glad I went.  Although I still don’t care to see the body, just think of what I would have missed had I not gone!   I went there for my friend, yet I was enriched by being there.   I also learned a valuable lesson .  It is so easy to look at someone and see only the ‘bad’ and the ‘different’.  Yet when we do that we miss a rich wonderful opportunity to really know the person.  In the future I want to be extra careful to see beyond the exterior.  To reach further, to the heart of people, to connect more.

I went to the funeral of a man I didn’t know.  But now I feel I do know him.  What I will remember is not the dead body, but a LIFE!   It leaves such a warm feeling inside of me to think of that life.  I’m so glad that I can count his sister as my friend.

 

Feeling the itch to write

12 Aug

I knew It had been quite a while since I had posted, but was surprised that it has been two months.  Needless to say, I’ve had a busy summer.

Needless to say—what a strange expression.  If one doesn’t need to say something, why say it?  Yet sometimes we feel we need to point out or accent the obvious.  Just one example of how strange we humans can be.

Although I have been busy, I have still found moments to contemplate.  I’ve thought about writing several times, but never had the need to.  Which tells me, again, how this blog is as much for me as it is for my readers.

I love it when I see there are people following my blog.  I especially love the comments.  And the stats continue to inspire me.  Yet I’m not really writing for others, although I hope what I write will interest others.  I write because I NEED to.  I’m not sure why that is, it is just how it is.

This blog is my outlet.  The one place where I can say what I’m thinking about without fearing I’m boring others.  It’s a place where can get my thoughts out, where I can think as I write.

I have been thinking of what a strange person I am.  How changeable.  After I looking at some of my earlier posts.  I noticed in one post I mention of how I want to be “in the moment” really experiencing life.  In another I tell how of how I fill hours with my stories, times when I’m certainly NOT “in the moment”.  I guess it is just that I need different things at different times.

For instance, I get energy by being with people.  Yet I must have my quiet times.  It is the quiet times where I recharge.  If I don’t have the quiet times, I soon run out of energy and don’t want to be with people.  But if the quiet, being alone times, drag out too long, then I lose energy.  I retreat too far within myself.  When I realize that  is happening I know I must make the effort to get with people again, to get involved with something.  As I reflect on this, I wonder if maybe that is part of why I have so many different interests or outlets.  Maybe some of them are just tools, so to speak, to get me out of a rut, to pull me back into the swing of things.

I have been aware lately of how the experiences in life changes my perspective or response to things.  After my divorce, I was filled with energy and desire to experience different activities and social situations.  Yet, now, five years after the death of my husband, I am just beginning to feel that pull to the social scene.  I have forced myself to join in because I knew I needed it.  And I have enjoyed the activities.  But, now, I realize I want to get more involved with life.  I wonder if forcing myself out into society is what has given me the desire or if time has just done its work.

Along with wanting more social activities, I find myself wanting other changes.  I am a very changeable person.  If fact, I believe I thrive on change.  Changeable interests, activities,and even the desire to be in different places.   Many times just reading or thinking about these desires is enough.  But, other times, I need to actually experience them.  Although I usually think about something for some time before I actually do it, occasionally I just jump in and do something.  I wonder if that occurs when I have been feeling an urge for change, yet haven’t settled on anything.  Then something unexpected comes along and I go for it.

I wonder, too, why my response to joining the social scene was different after my divorce compared to after the death of my second husband.  I lost a marriage both times.  I grieved both times.  Yet the divorce seemed to give me a freedom, whereas the loss of my husband just filled me with loss.  Maybe the difference was in what I grieved.  In the divorce I grieved the loss of my marriage.  But when I lost my husband, I grieved for the loss of HIM.  Quite a difference, really.  Like in one of my earlier posts where I compared being alone with being lonely.  So it seems that is is, perhaps, not life’s experiences themselves that change my actions or reactions  but my feelings prior and after the experience.

Well.  This doesn’t seem like a very satisfactory conclusion to my post, but I seems to have said all I wanted to say.  This writing business is kind of weird sometimes.  I feel such a need to write, then suddenly I’m finished.  There is no more to come out. So until next time….

 

 

Help for learning Spanish

7 May

Here is the Spanish post I promised.  The one that has taken a different direction than my usual Spanish posts.  (If you have read very many of my posts you will find that I change direction quite often.)  The direction is different, because this Spanish post will be written in English.

I won’t be writing the post in Spanish because I just can’t cover this material with my current Spanish skills  (notice I didn’t say my lack of Spanish–I’m still working at having a positive self-image).  I am going to tell of some of the different ways that help me  learn the language.

The best way would be to live near Spanish speakers, but there aren’t any living near me.  Another way, if one had the time or the money would be to take a Spanish class at the university or on CD’s.  But that isn’t a option for me at present.

I found, instead,  a small informal class that meets weekly at our local library.  We visit  sites on the internet and are slowly learning.  The following are the sites we use most often:

www.123teachme.com  This site is filled with Spanish courses, tests, games, and other resources.  We each progress at our own level at home, then do some of the lessons in class.  We frequently use the ‘English to Spanish’ and the ‘Spanish to English’ translator.

www.spanishdict.com  Although, not filled with as much content as the Teach Me site, this one has a translator with audio, Word of the Day, a featured article and common words in both English and Spanish.

http://en.childrenslibrary.org/  We use this site to read children’s books in Spanish.  We select ‘Read Book’.  When the page appears  we select set the language for “Spanish”and select ‘Short Books’.  Some books are in both Spanish and English, which is helpful.  Some are in Spanish and other languages and others only in Spanish.  We have to pick and choose to find the ones that are best for our beginning level.

From http://www.gutenberg.org we have been reading two books until we progress to a place where the language is beyond us.  Occasionally we return to the site and are pleasantly surprised by how many more of the words we have learned.  The two books we read are  “An Elementary Spanish Reader” and  “A First Spanish Reader”

In addition too the class and these sites I like to find Spanish blogs, newspapers, and websites.  Some of these I return to again and again.  I am always looking for new ones that are not just lessons, but actual writings of people posting on their blogs.  Ones that aren’t too hard for me.  I like it best when I can get the gist of the article without looking up the translation of words too often!  From my college Spanish class and in our little informal one, we find that we can often understand the story even if we don’t know all the words.

These are some I have found helpful:

www.spanishspanish.com  Lots of information on this site.  Audio, flash cards, vocabulary, grammar, textbooks, etc.

homeschoolspanishonline.com  As the name indicates, this is a home school Spanish course.  Lots of material, music, and some stories in Spanish

When I visited www.marisamontes.com today I learned that the author has died.  The site is being kept as a memorial to her.  I click on Links” and choose  ‘Ónline  Resources for Children’.  This displays a page with several websites for Spanish.

One newspaper that I continue to try reading from time to time is elsur.mx.  It is from the Yucatan Peninsula.  As with the books, I seem to get the gist of the articles.  I still need to translate many words, but my progress, though slow, encourages me.

Most generally I find sites through internet searches.  I try to remember to bookmark the good ones I find.   I have found that using different words in my search brings up different sites.  I’ve yet to find the best words for what I want, although I still seem to stumble onto some good sites at times.

Sometimes I find a blog I like from a search, yet when I go back to the main site page, I have a hard time finding the blog.  It seems, from what I can gather, that some of the Spanish blogs are connected to a main site page.  I suppose I just haven’t learned how to navigate well enough yet.

But it is frustrating.  Today I stumbled onto a blog I liked and noted–but sadly didn’t bookmark– the site.  I thought, www.hola.com, easy name, I’ll remember that.  And I did remember it, but when I went to the site later, I found it doesn’t seem to be the site of the person’s blog I had read.  It seems instead a collection of various writers, maybe bloggers?  I’ve yet to find the one which I was looking at earlier and wanted to mention in this post.  If my Spanish understanding was sufficient, I believe the blogger was a retired woman who visited different places and made videos of them.  It was a video that I watched.  The whole ‘hola’ site has a tremendous amount of material, but hopefully I will stumble onto the one I liked again sometime.

While searching www.hola.com I found another video that was interesting.  It was a video about art and food.  And there was something about the hands.  When I realized I had to have the translation it meant a trip to www.123teachme.com.  I was surprised to learn it said árt and gastronomy go hand in hand’.  I also learned that Reino Unido mean the UK.  It was good to be clear about the content of the video.  But I was still happy that I got at least part of it on my own.  I know I will return to this site over and over.  From the Food section, with help from 123TeachMe, I also learned that ‘paso a paso’ means step by step.

In trying to find a blog about gardens written in Spanish, I found this site  www.buenastareas.com/ensayos/Jardin-De-Ni%C3%B1os/6681595.html    I have just copied the whole link.  I’m afraid if I try to just enter the main site I won’t be able to find the article again.  Although I didn’t read very much of it, I plan to return.

Another way I learn is by writing in Spanish.  In our class we are now each writing a paragraph something about our week and then reading each other’s in class.  Reading, listening and writing Spanish really helps me.

So I stumble along in this blog, in most of my Spanish posts, writing in my own level of Spanish.  Struggling but keeping on for some reason.  I feel, like a member of our class who said, “I really don’t know why I want to learn Spanish, I just do”.  And really, do we always need the ‘why’ of something?  Can’t we just do it because we enjoy it?

 

Which first?

6 May

I have a desire to write today, but there is a conflict within me as to which topic to address.  I have been reflecting on many things lately.  Perhaps I will write two different blogs.  Or I may find that writing just one fulfills my need to write and postpone the other for another time.

I want to write about my continued small efforts in learning Spanish.  And when I started writing this post I really thought that was going to be its direction.  The following is my original–before edited–second paragraph:

In looking at my posts from the Admin page, I noticed one I began last November.   It is a Spanish  post.  I was trying to tell about an event that I read about in a book.  I still would like to finish that blog–someday. But today, my Spanish is taking me in another direction.  And it seems that  it is this direction that has the greatest urgency to get out of me.

So, as I said, I thought this post was going to be about Spanish.  But it isn’t.  I guess, like many of my posts, it is about me.  About more of the things that make me who I am.

I always edit my posts several times before I get it the way it seems to flow best to tell my thoughts.  I will usually cut and paste paragraphs to put them in a different position.   As my thought flow into my hands I seem to change course as I go.  Once in a while I will completely remove a paragraph that just doesn’t go with the way my thoughts have traveled.  But for some reason, today I felt the need to leave the paragraph about intending to write the Spanish post.  (Maybe is my note to myself not to forget about it,)

Sometimes  after I have posted I see things that I wish I would have said differently.  Occasionally I change a post, but usually just leave it.  In a way it seems to help me to go back and read what I had previously written.  I can then reflect on whether I still feel the same way or if I have changed.

While I have always had ideas and thoughts swirling around in my mind, writing is still somewhat new to me.  The actual putting my thoughts down, where they are open to all is a little scary, but mostly it’s exhilarating.  Although I don’t understand why, it really gives me a thrill to actually write.

I recently told a friend that I have always made up stories in my head.  I had felt that I was an oddity because of this.  But she told me that she did that too.  She said probably many people do.  She said that her husband had said she ought to be a writer, with all her stories.  I wonder if my stories are why I feel the need to write?

I doubt if I will ever actually write my stories.  They evolve and become more like sagas.  Sometimes months or even years will go by and then some event triggers a memory and I’m back to a certain family or individual from one of my stories.   (Before I mentioned my stories to my friend I used to refer to them in my mind as “the books in my head”.)

I’ve realized, lately, that these stories have a purpose.  Sometimes they have just filled a feeling of aloneness  inside me.  By the way, I do know that aloneness is not really a word, but that is the feeling I have had sometimes.  Not really lonely.  Just alone.

Although, I have also used the stories when I was feeling lonely, wanting to be with others or missing someone, I have used them most often when I was feeling alone.  Feeling alone–aloneness–can occur even when others are around.  It’s hard to explain, but it is a feeling of being separate, not completely a part of what is going on around me.  That feeling would sometimes carry over for days or perhaps even weeks where  in little moments of quiet I enjoy my “stories”.

One of the reason, aside from my feeling of being an oddity, that I had never mentioned my stories to anyone before was because of the movie “Psycho”.    I didn’t want anyone to think I was turning into someone else.  This seems a little silly now, because I knew I had a grip on reality.  It was just stories.

Yet, in a way, I became a part of those stories.  I felt the emotions.  Now I realize that the stories have helped vent emotions that were bottled up inside of me.  Even now, sometimes I use the stories to release a strong emotion that for some reason or other I just can’t face in my day to day life.  I can cry, laugh, be enraged, etc about the stories, instead of venting on those around me.  As I write this I realize that is how people use movies, music and maybe even sports and other entertainment.

Now that I no longer feel guilty for my stories, they have taken hold of me in a new way.  I have starting writing/composing songs in my mind.  Again, they will probably never be written, but they fill a need inside of me.  

And through those “songs in my head” I have become enthralled with some types of music that I never before liked.  I do want to write about that, but not quite yet.  I want to see if it is just a temporary quirk or if is is something that will remain.

Even though, once again, this post has turned into something completely different than what I had intended, it has expressed some thoughts and feelings inside me.  And this time, interestingly enough, I believe I still have the time, energy, desire to write the Spanish post.  So, hopefully, you will soon see that one.

 

Am I a Doer or just a Thinker?

4 Apr

I’ve always thought of myself as a doer.  But lately I’ve been wondering if maybe I am really more of just a thinker.  Somehow the idea of being just a thinker has never appealed to me.  I’ve always thought of myself as being out there, actually doing something.

Yet so very, very often it is just ideas that grab me.  Of course I have desires and sometimes even intentions of acting on the ideas.  But most of the time I don’t.  Sometimes I berate myself because of this inaction to DO something.

Now though, I seem to slowly be coming to the conclusion that it’s acceptable, maybe even beneficial to my self to be just a thinker.  And maybe, just maybe, I will get to the place where I won’t even have to attach the “just” to the thinker part.

So many things grab my interest.  Natural buildings.  Gardening,  Self-sufficiency.  Those have been my mainstays over the years.  Then there are the ones that seem to come and go–sewing, knitting, art, technology, outdoor recreation, healthy eating, and food in general.

I’ve always been interested in tying new things.  But–perhaps it is just that I’m getting older–but now it seems that I’m not really doing so much.  Yet, surprisingly I don’t feel regret.

No regret that I haven’t canoed the backwaters of northern MN, for instance.  (I had taken an Outdoor Women class with my granddaughter and enjoyed the canoeing part so much I wanted to do more.)  I found the MN and other sites on the web.  I ordered flyers of canoeing events from MN, NY, FL and GA.  I checked out Road Scholar canoe events in different places.  Many were women only, but not all.  I intended to take in a canoeing event somewhere, sometime.  But, it just seemed the sometime never came.  (Although when I think back on it now, I do remember the 2 day trip I took down one of our area rivers.  Perhaps that trip was sufficient enough to prove that I could do it.  Now I’m wondering–do I do things more because I want/like to or to prove I can??  I’ll have to think on this and maybe get back to it later.)

I’ve been giving the excuse of wanting to be with family.   This excuse is in my mind, to myself mostly, because really it is only to me–not others–that it matters weather or not I do something.  When I think of it now, I realize that although it is true I like to be with family, they certainly haven’t been keeping me from doing things.  Indeed, in the past, when I’ve participated in different activities, it has enriched my interaction with my family.

I wonder now, if maybe I am just slowing down.  Or maybe I’ve just been going through a slump and will regenerate again.  Who knows?

I smile as I read this.  It seems I’ve gotten off of my original thought.  But maybe I haven’t.  Maybe it’s the thoughts (notice I’m not saying ‘just the thoughts’) of doing things that have sustained me.

I’m slowly realizing that it’s OK to be just interested in things.  I don’t have to actually do everything (or even anything, for that matter) that interests me.  I can enjoy talking about things that interest me.  I can enjoy writing about them.  And I can enjoy thinking. just thinking, about them.  Thinking about things that I am interested in is a wonderful part of who I am.  It keeps me energized–on the inside even when it doesn’t carry through to acting on the ideas.

It gives me a kind of thrill, now, realizing that I have discovered something new about myself.  Just in writing this post!  I’m becoming so much more accepting of myself.  I’m learning to actually like who I am.  Not everything, of course.  I still have a long way to go in some aspects of my life.  But, it’s good that I can now say (again, mostly in my mind, to myself) that I’m ok with who I am.  It’s ok to be a thinker.  It’s even more than just ok.  It’s a good thing.

Thinking is something that I can take with me everywhere, anytime.  It isn’t reserved for special occasions or special times.  It has been and will continue to be my constant companion.  It always has been.  It’s just taken me a long time to value it.

So back to my original question…. I believe I am both a Doer and a Thinker.  Each has its place and its time.  One is not necessarily better than the other.  They are both a part of who I am.

Now I’m thinking ahead of posts that I will write.  About all my interests.  Sometimes I’ve thought about writing about something, but didn’t because I hadn’t had any practical experience with it.  But now, maybe I will write about something just because it interests me.  I can post the workshop events that excite me.  About the technology that amazes while sometimes frustrates me.  The questions of what would it be like if….

And I’ll keep learning.  About myself, about things around me, things that interest me.  I’ll leave the things of the old self behind.  It was good for then, but this is now.  I’m not the same person I was yesterday.  Nor will I be the same person in my tomorrows.  Maybe I won’t be actively canoeing in my tomorrow, but I can be in my dreams.  And, who knows?  Maybe tomorrow will bring a new surge of energy or a new interest.  Or maybe an old interest will reawaken within me.  Maybe I will just have period of reflecting, discarding, and renewing just by thinking.  I want/need to continue to enjoy the learning and not regret the leftovers.  Because they, too, are part of what makes me who I am.

8 (or is it 5?) years

1 Apr

In May I will experience the 8th anniversary of my wedding.  Experience it, not celebrate it.  Bittersweet. It is strange how number milestones can effect us.  But saying (or even just thinking) the numbers can sometimes hurt.  So it is 8 years, right?

Yet, 2013 marks my 5 years without him.  And, even though it is the 8 year anniversary coming up, its the 5 year loss that I am feeling.   Has it really been 5 years??  Really?  In a way it doesn’t seem possible.  Yet, in an other way it seems like its been so long.

He was my husband.  My Love.  My life.  We had only 3 short years together, yet those years meant and still mean everything to me.

It was a second-hand romance for both of us.  One I never expected, but am so very, very thankful for.  Even though it hurts (so much sometimes still) to be without him, because of him I experienced true love.

As an endearment, I called him Love.  He was. And I miss my love.  I miss his smile.  I miss hearing his smile in his voice.  I miss the wonderful feeling of being loved.  I miss my best friend.  My lover, my mate–my husband.  And I miss loving him.

This been a  hard winter for me.  Since last fall I have been a widow longer than I was married to him.  Widow–from the Latin–separate.   Not a word I like.  Separated.  Part of me is missing.  Gone.  Not just a temporary parting, but gone.  Widowhood.  The time of being a widow.  A state of being.  Nothing about it is easy.

The experts’ say it can be a time in life when we can find new meaning.  So far, I have learned the meaning of loss.  The meaning of loneliness.  I had never been lonely before.  Alone, yes.  But not lonely.  Lonely now, because of having had him and his love, because now he isn’t here.

Yet, too, I have found new meaning in the word ‘thankful’.  Thankful for those precious years we had together.  For the wonderful opportunity to love and be loved.  For having a mate with which I could share everything.  For having a best friend.  Thankful, too, for family and friends that try to fill the gap for me.  It means so much to know that others care.

Whether I call it 5 or 8 years, it is still a milestone. With milestones I think of progress.  Progress?  Sometimes.  In some ways.  I am trying to build a life again–without him.  Hard, but for the most part I suppose I am doing ok.  Although, other times I wonder.  I wonder if it will ever get easier.  It seems from what I’ve faced so far the answer isn’t concrete.  For me its been a sometimes thing.  Sometimes, I’m doing good.  Sometimes, not.  Sometimes I’m filling my days with things that get me away from my self.  But other days I seem to need to just cry a bit.

When I think of either the 5 or the 8 year time frame, I think of all the memories.  Some good, some not so good.  But how very, very wonderful that I have them.  How, even though he is gone, he is still with me through my memories.  Sometimes he seems very close to me, and other times just a memory.  I love the memories that come that make me smile.  Smile remembering him.

I continue to work on making this new existence be enough.  Enough for my new life.  Although it helps to keep busy, I don’t want to fill my time just doing stuff to be busy.  I want my life to have meaning.  I’m trying to reach out to others more.

Today I read some blogs about losing a spouse.  Although it made me cry, it helped.  And after reading a few, I realized I needed to write in my blog.  It wasn’t just that reading my blog might help someone else. It was more that I needed to write.  Writing seems to be a form of therapy for me.  

I am learning to enjoy the little things.  The sun coming through the clouds.  The new spring blooms and buds popping out.  Spring is coming.  A couple of barn swallows built a nest over my back door.  Although it looks like a mess, I can’t bear to tear it down.  I love to see them flying to and from the nest.  There will be new life.  Hope.

I value the precious times spent with friends and family.  And I even value my solitude.  Just as long as I don’t have too much of it.  I am learning when I need to reach out and when it is ok to just be alone.

I’m learning its ok to have strange habits.  If I wake up in the night, who cares?  Who cares if I go to bed early the next night?  Or even if I take a nap in the daytime.   Who cares what I eat or when I eat it?  Although I could feel sorry for myself that no one cares, I choose, instead, to relish my freedom that I’m the one who decides.

Well, it seems I’ve run out of words.  As I reflect on what I’ve written, I’m thinking that maybe I will celebrate the 8 years.  Celebrate what it has given me.  Concentrate on what that date brought into my life.  What I’ve learned.  Keep working at accepting the loss.  And value the things, the precious things that remain.

My efforts to be “healthy”

6 Feb

Healthy.  It’s what we all long for, isn’t it?  But we all seem to go about it in different ways.  Even in different ways in different times of our lives.  At least it seems that way to me.

When my children were little, I was into “healthy” high fiber, low fat, limited sweets.  And along with that came my weirdness.  Sometimes I would come up with a concoction that was questionable, to say the least.  But my motto was–at least try it.  (See my “Back Online” post of 10/16/12.)  My kids will also tell you of eating salads with flowers added.  But one sweet they did like from that time was the sugar coated rose petals.

Then, several years after, I joined a food coop.  I got lots of “healthy” type food.  At that time I couldn’t understand why everyone wouldn’t want to eat that way.  But of course, that too changed.  Although I still tried to eat healthy, I began to try different diets, foods, and ways of eating.  And somewhere along the line I became much more tolerant of others ideas–which I’m very glad of.

Early last fall I realized my thyroid was acting up again.  I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in 2000.  At that time, I was put on beta blockers and scheduled for further tests.  The medical solution that was presented to me was radioactive iodine treatment to kill off the thyroid.  I was scheduled for the treatment, but then got to really thinking about that.  Was killing of the thyroid the only solution?  It meant taking thyroid meds for the rest of my life.  It just didn’t set right with me, especially because I knew others with low thyroid who had so many ups and downs getting the meds right.

Since I’ve always been interested in the natural, back to the basics kind of lifestyle, I started researching it.  There wasn’t the abundance of material on the internet like there is now.  In fact last fall when I again checked out the symptoms I was amazed at the wealth of information!  But, even back then,  through much searching and asking I was able to find alternative methods.  I learned that in Germany radish is used to treat high thyroid.  Bugleweed, motherwort, lemon balm,have been used through the years for high thyroid, hawthorn for healthy heart and skullcap–along with other herbs for relaxation. After learning  the symptoms I realized that I had probably had flare-up hyperthyroid episodes long before that, but just didn’t know what they were.

I cancelled the radioactive iodine treatment–in spite of the doctors warnings that my condition could be life threatening.  Mostly because it weakens the muscles, and the heart is a muscle.  With a my research and a phone consultation with a ‘natural’ type doctor I was able to work out a program.  I decided to try it for six months, then re-evaluate.

I do understand thyroid disease is a serious condition and I am certainly not advocating ignoring your doctor.  I’m just relating my own personal journey  and its results for me.

My program consisted of the herbs I mentioned above along with diet and massage and vitamin/minerals.  My diet was lots of the cabbage family, lots of peaches and pears, no meat, no milk products, no caffeine  no added sugars, no added salt, high fiber and lots of fruits and veggies.  After following this for several months I felt great and was even able to get off the beta blockers!

But the diet was hard.  I love meat so I thought that would be the hardest for me.  But surprisingly it wasn’t the meat that finally tripped me.  It was the sweets.  This was odd for me, because I don’t crave sweets.  When I have cravings it is for salty things.

We were at a family reunion.  I did so well all weekend, then at the very last they served strawberries enfolded with sweetened whipped cream.    If they would have kept some strawberries separate I could have handled it.  But it was mixed together.  So I thought, maybe just a little won’t hurt me.  Well, I don’t know that it hurt me, but it did wreck my diet.  It was so strange that such a little, what I thought was one-time thing could mess me up.  It was just so hard to go back to my strict diet once I got home.  As I write this now I realize it may have been the whipped cream instead of the sugar that tripped me up.  But regardless of what it was, I just had trouble getting back to the diet.

Also a change of in my lifestyle made keeping on it harder.  But luckily by that time I no longer had any hyperthyroid symptoms.  One thing I do remember though, is that I could actually feel my body getting sluggish!  But I still went back to normal eating.  It sounds so stupid when I think of it, yet I know I might do it again.

My thyroid has acted up a few times since then–in high stress situations.  In those times I used massage and herbs, no sugar, and no caffeine to get it under control.

This time I didn’t connect the dots on the symptoms I was having to hyperthyroid until I started getting the hard, fast heartbeat.  I knew what that meant but thought if I avoided coffee (I had been drinking a lot of coffee) that might be enough.  However, a few weeks later I found out that I was worse off than I thought.  My friends brought the goats over for me to milk again.  I realized my arms were really weak.  It took me over an hour to milk 3 goats.  Toward the end I even had to hold one arm up with the other.

Knowing I needed to act now, I looked up the symptoms again and realized the  symptoms had been present since late last winter.  Some of the symptoms, such as nausea, were new ones for me.  But others were the same.  I was so glad to finds all the new information on the web

Since I knew it was my thyroid,  I had to decide what to do about it.  The problem with my 2000 program was that I did so many things I wasn’t sure which were really the most helpful.  I decided to take the components one by one and evaluate them.

I ordered the herbs, except the radish, because I knew they helped, .  The radish was a lot more costly than before.  I had already stopped the caffeine.  Massage would be good–I could afford one every couple of months.  Pears were plentiful and  I ate as many fresh as possible and preserved and dried some.  I’ve been trying to have cabbage family foods, if not daily at least every few days.  I don’t eat a lot of sweets so that isn’t a problem.  I probably did need to cut back on the salt a bit.  The high fiber I could do and I love fruit and veggies.

I’ve tried to find info regarding the meat and milk and hyperthyroidism.  Not much luck yet in finding the reason for limiting them.  I wonder if that was just a preference of the doctor I consulted.   I’m still searching.  I don’t eat a lot of meat, so think I will be ok with that.  It might be harder to avoid the milk products.  I love cheese.

I decided to get on a diet with lots of nutrients.  I read that B vitamins are helpful.  So, since I like fresh food, I decided to grow sprouts.  I did very well with that for quite awhile.  Except for the soy sprouts I tried to grow.  They just didn’t seem to be right.  As luck would have it, this was right at the time one of my brothers and wife came through.  He had a fit that I was eating those smelly things that attracted all the gnats!   (I realized later, they were fermenting and had to pitch them.)  But on the whole I did well with them, except for the radish, mustard, cress mixture.  I just don’t really care for them.

Then I began my round of visiting relatives, which threw the diet off.  I still tried to take the herbs and supplements as much as possible.  I was doing pretty well, till I caught a stomach virus in middle of January.  It is slow getting over.  I feel so much better, but still have a few rough, washed-out feeling days after having several good ones.

I haven’t been able to get back on the sprouts though.  I’ve tried a few times, but end up throwing them out as they get too tough.  Guess I don’t do well with them during the winter.  Just the other day, I ground up some of the radish seed sprout mixture and put into capsules.  I hope to be able to consume them in that form.

When I’ve not been visiting this winter, I’ve been indoors a lot.  I know that continued days indoors, without much contact with others, is not good for my health. But I  do need to rest on the days I’m not feeling well.  It’s hard sometimes, finding the balance.  I want/need to start volunteering at the nutrition center again. I’ve learned through the years that so much of our health is not just physical, but emotional.  They tend to go together.  One tends to build upon the other.  It seems to me, that when one is low, if we don’t bolster it, the other will also go downhill.  I truly believe that having good health is a balance of our whole being.  Perhaps, in a way, the emotional is really more important than the physical.  I’ve known people with terrible physical conditions, that are very healthy emotionally, and a joy to be with.

I’ve noticed some bulbs popping up outside, so I know spring is on the way.  It will be good to get outside again.  I’m thinking of planting more of a  garden this year.  I would like to add a herb garden and some fruit trees.  And some more flowers, the fragrant kind that I love–and yes,some of the edible ones!  Gardening always means more health.  Not just for the produce, but for the act of planting, weeding, and harvesting, and just being outdoors.

So I continue to be hopeful that I will find health in this new year.  And I have the same hope for all of you.

Good food, wonderful views, and a great place to crash

2 Jan

I’ve been traveling and visiting family a lot the last several months.  In my travels I’ve found some spots that I would definitely recommend to fellow travelers.

First, I want to mention one place I wasn’t able to visit this time.  Alas I just can’t be everywhere at once!   It is the Atkinson Steak House near Smithville, MS.  I was there last year in December.  We went with family and were told the steaks were huge, so we ordered one with extra sides and split it.  It was still really more than enough.  I’ve had lots of good steaks in my life, but the one at Atkinson’s is the best I have ever eaten.    It just melted in my mouth.  Love, love it!!!  Sides are good too.  I would almost make a trip to MS just to have their steak.

You may remember Smithville as the little town where the big tornado hit in April of 2011.  If I remember correctly it destroyed or damaged all but a couple of the 20 some businesses.  A few businesses have rebuilt.  Atkinson Steak House avoided damage since it isn’t located directly in town.  It is on the Parham Store Road a few miles away, out in the country.

Mel’s Diner, the local cafe, is one of the businesses that rebuilt  in about the same location as before, just further off the road.  It is a friendly spot where locals gather.  This year I tried the famous “Mud Hole” for breakfast.  It is a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit smothered in sausage gravy.  I’m not a huge fan of biscuits and gravy, but this one was very tasty.   And very filling.

Here is s a pic of one of my brother’s Mud Holes. IMG_0564He put jam and ketchup on top of his.  Sounds very weird to me but he liked it.

On a recent trip to Chattanooga, we took some back roads.  I enjoy doing that, especially when someone else is driving and I can enjoy the views and take pics.  We came across a little town in southern KY, Franklin.  Since it was well past noon, we had been on the look out for a cafe.  We drove into the downtown area, around the courthouse square and spotted the Hollywood Grill.   Although it wasn’t very busy at this time of day, we were hungry and decided to take our chances.

Thai Shrimp Curry

Thai Shrimp Curry

Hibachi

Hibachi

The menu wasn’t extensive, and we were surprised to see Thai and Japanese dishes.  Being a big fan of  Thai food I decided to try the Thai Shrimp Curry.  I usually don’t love curry, but I enjoy spicy food and wanted Thai, so it seemed the best choice.   I thought that even if I didn’t like the curry I could eat the shrimp.  My son and I agreed to try each others food.  He had Hibachi chicken and beef.  Well, I am now sold on Thai curry, at least at the Hollywood Grill!  It was so good.   Interestingly, the shrimp was the part of the dish I liked least.  The Hibachi was good too, but not as good as the curry.  I noticed the others cleaned up their burgers too.  A few miles out of town we passed the Kentucky Downs–the famous Kentucky horse race track!  Well, now we knew why a town so small would have that type of restaurant.

A ways further on we saw a tall monument.  Wanting to get to our destination before dark,we didn’t have time for more than a quick look at the sign.  We were surprised to learn it was a monument to Jefferson Davis.  I later looked it up and found out that it is the tallest unreinforced concrete monument in the world.  It is in a state park and marks Davis’ birthplace.

It amazes me how much there is to find and savor it this country.  Places that, had we been on the interstate highway, we would have never seen.  The interstates are great for covering the miles in less time.  I’ve used them many times, and will again.  But how wonderful when we aren’t in such a hurry and can spare some moments to discover more of our country!

KY and  TN scenery

KY and TN scenery

Somewhere past the monument we turned south.  We drove on some two lane and some four lane highways.  We also took a couple of state or county roads. One was a very windy, hilly road.  One time we came over a hill and the road turned so sharply it seemed to disappear.  We saw little farms, some on the hillsides and others nestled in the bottoms.  Part of the road ran beside a full-to-the-brim rushing creek.  Beautiful views!  And we had the road nearly to ourselves.  But I wasn’t able to get many pics.  Too many hills and curves to catch anything.

I usually come into Chattanooga from the west on I24.   This time we came from the north.  I had mapped out approximate roads to take on my iPad.  But now since we were wanting to get their before dark, when a road looked more direct we took it.  Again, I’m so glad we did because if we would have come in to town the way we had planned we would have missed a breathtaking experience.  At least for someone raised on the plains.  We veered off the road we were on and took W road.  This took us down what I found out later was Signal Mountain.  Windy, down, down, down.  And curves so tight that the traffic coming up (or down, depending on the direction you were going) had to stop a ways before the curve to let the oncoming traffic swing into the other lane to navigate the curve.  We happened to be following a patrol car, so at least we realized that  this is the accepted thing here.  We laughed about that afterwards.  One of the occupants of our car hated the heights but the rest of us loved it.   Again, no time to take any pics going down.  There was such a view–so much just to see!   Although it wasn’t yet dark,many of the town lights were on.  And we could see for miles.

We had arrived and quickly found our destination for the night the Crash Pad, an ecological hostel:   www.crashpadchattanooga.com.  My daughter had noticed it in an online search earlier and we had even went into the office part in the summer.  So now we were here.  We really liked the laid back attitude as well as the courtesy and friendliness of the staff and other travelers.

That evening after all of our party had arrived we walked in the windy, chilly night over to a local pub for our meal.  We had asked at the Crash Pad and they had told us of several places within walking distance.  We were cold and ready for the first one we came to which was the Terminal Brewhouse.  After checking to see if they admitted minors–they did–we went in.  It was a busy place and we were seated upstairs.  I liked that better anyway.  The atmosphere was the traditional pub although the building had a retro look.  Food was not spectacular, but good.  Then a quick walk back to crash–in our Crash Pad.

Crash Pad kitchen

Crash Pad kitchen

(We ended up staying both nights here.)  The next morning we enjoyed the complimentary, cook-your-own breakfast of eggs, toast and coffee.

We only had once day here and it was cold and very windy.  There are a lot of outdoor type activities we could have done but decided instead on a leisurely day.  After our relaxed Crash Pad breakfast and a few hours on the computer, we decided to visit a kitchen store,  Mia Cucina:  http://www.theplaceforcooks.com/.

We enjoyed browsing..  My son purchased a coffee pot like the one he had gotten in Switzerland.  As is often the case with me, I didn’t pay enough attention to remember the name of it.  It goes on top of stove and has two parts, a top and bottom.  When heated it creates kind of a vacuum,  somewhat like a pressure cooker.  The one he purchased at Mia Cucina is larger than his one cup one.  He had treated us to some coffee from his smaller one at the Crash Pad earlier, but it could only make one cup at a time.  Now he can make larger amounts.

Then we browsed the area, walking along, trying to stay out of the wind.  Feeling hungry we checked out the eating spots.  After checking a few we were drawn to the  Brewhaus, a German restaurant:  http://www.brewhausbar.com   The front part was very busy with every table filled and what looked like one waitress rushing around.  But the smell were so good we decided to wait.  Then we noticed an outside eating area and asked if we could go there.  A great choice.

It was a covered deck at the back of the building.  They had clear plastic sheeting that blocked the wind.  And the sun was shining through and warming us and we had a view.  Also we had the place completely to ourselves.  We just hoped they wouldn’t forget us out there.  We started off with water,  soda for the kids, and the sampler platter appetizer.  It was a huge pretzel with brats and sausages and 3 different relish type dips.  After quickly finishing it off, we asked the waiter about their beer, only to have him disappear.  He returned in a few minutes with 3 samples.  We each liked at different onea and ended up getting all three.

So now we had to decide on our main dishes.  We again agreed to share–except for the kids who tend to like their own.  I ordered the cherry ale chicken, mostly because it sounded different.  Others got the brats and spaetzle.   I didn’t love my chicken, tho it was interesting. But the Sides.  Soooo good!  We ordered the Brussels sprouts appetizer as a side to split.  I can now honestly say I love Brussels sprouts.  German potato salad was good and the Bier Cabbage was divine!  We were glad two of us had ordered that.  On my next visit I plan to have just sides and brats!  Although the chocolate cherry cake sounded yummy we were just too full.  Maybe next time.

After leaving the Brewhaus some of us braved the cold wind enough to walk nearly to the top of the old bridge (now closed to vehicle traffic)

cold walking

cold walking

only to hurry back down.  We then went to the park at the foot of the bridge, behind the restaurant.

Park below walking bridge  Chattanooga, TN

Park below walking bridge Chattanooga, TN

Carousel Chattanooga, TN

Carousel Chattanooga, TN

We admired the statues that are fountains in warmer weather, and rode the carousal.

After browsing a few more shops we headed back to the Pad for a leisure evening.  A few of us brave souls walked several blocks to the Hot Chocolatier.  It is chocolate from here that the Brewhaus Bar uses in their cherry chocolate cake.  After purchasing a few sweets and some hot chocolate we returned to our pad for a game of monopoly (courtesy of the Crash Pad)while enjoying the smells of the apple pie my son was baking in the communal room.  monopoly game at Crash Pad

We were joined for a few hours by a group of “end of the world day” party goers.  They offered their snacks and we some of our pie.  After finally conceding the game to the would-be winner, we turned into our bunks.

The next morning we walked to the Bluegrass Grill.  Some of our group had visited there a few years ago.  But, as is often the case with good places, it was full with a waiting line.  After waiting awhile I decided to say goodbye and get on the road.  So my son offered to go back to the Crash Pad and cook breakfast for me.  He used his new coffee pot.

After such a good breakfast I drove steadily home–and, yes,  I 24 most of the way.  In just a few days I had so many rich experiences.  It is so good to enjoy being with loved ones while savoring the things around us.  Life can be as rich as I choose to make it.  In this world of so much horrible things happening, I love the beauty of my precious moments!

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