Tag Archives: stories

Which first?

6 May

I have a desire to write today, but there is a conflict within me as to which topic to address.  I have been reflecting on many things lately.  Perhaps I will write two different blogs.  Or I may find that writing just one fulfills my need to write and postpone the other for another time.

I want to write about my continued small efforts in learning Spanish.  And when I started writing this post I really thought that was going to be its direction.  The following is my original–before edited–second paragraph:

In looking at my posts from the Admin page, I noticed one I began last November.   It is a Spanish  post.  I was trying to tell about an event that I read about in a book.  I still would like to finish that blog–someday. But today, my Spanish is taking me in another direction.  And it seems that  it is this direction that has the greatest urgency to get out of me.

So, as I said, I thought this post was going to be about Spanish.  But it isn’t.  I guess, like many of my posts, it is about me.  About more of the things that make me who I am.

I always edit my posts several times before I get it the way it seems to flow best to tell my thoughts.  I will usually cut and paste paragraphs to put them in a different position.   As my thought flow into my hands I seem to change course as I go.  Once in a while I will completely remove a paragraph that just doesn’t go with the way my thoughts have traveled.  But for some reason, today I felt the need to leave the paragraph about intending to write the Spanish post.  (Maybe is my note to myself not to forget about it,)

Sometimes  after I have posted I see things that I wish I would have said differently.  Occasionally I change a post, but usually just leave it.  In a way it seems to help me to go back and read what I had previously written.  I can then reflect on whether I still feel the same way or if I have changed.

While I have always had ideas and thoughts swirling around in my mind, writing is still somewhat new to me.  The actual putting my thoughts down, where they are open to all is a little scary, but mostly it’s exhilarating.  Although I don’t understand why, it really gives me a thrill to actually write.

I recently told a friend that I have always made up stories in my head.  I had felt that I was an oddity because of this.  But she told me that she did that too.  She said probably many people do.  She said that her husband had said she ought to be a writer, with all her stories.  I wonder if my stories are why I feel the need to write?

I doubt if I will ever actually write my stories.  They evolve and become more like sagas.  Sometimes months or even years will go by and then some event triggers a memory and I’m back to a certain family or individual from one of my stories.   (Before I mentioned my stories to my friend I used to refer to them in my mind as “the books in my head”.)

I’ve realized, lately, that these stories have a purpose.  Sometimes they have just filled a feeling of aloneness  inside me.  By the way, I do know that aloneness is not really a word, but that is the feeling I have had sometimes.  Not really lonely.  Just alone.

Although, I have also used the stories when I was feeling lonely, wanting to be with others or missing someone, I have used them most often when I was feeling alone.  Feeling alone–aloneness–can occur even when others are around.  It’s hard to explain, but it is a feeling of being separate, not completely a part of what is going on around me.  That feeling would sometimes carry over for days or perhaps even weeks where  in little moments of quiet I enjoy my “stories”.

One of the reason, aside from my feeling of being an oddity, that I had never mentioned my stories to anyone before was because of the movie “Psycho”.    I didn’t want anyone to think I was turning into someone else.  This seems a little silly now, because I knew I had a grip on reality.  It was just stories.

Yet, in a way, I became a part of those stories.  I felt the emotions.  Now I realize that the stories have helped vent emotions that were bottled up inside of me.  Even now, sometimes I use the stories to release a strong emotion that for some reason or other I just can’t face in my day to day life.  I can cry, laugh, be enraged, etc about the stories, instead of venting on those around me.  As I write this I realize that is how people use movies, music and maybe even sports and other entertainment.

Now that I no longer feel guilty for my stories, they have taken hold of me in a new way.  I have starting writing/composing songs in my mind.  Again, they will probably never be written, but they fill a need inside of me.  

And through those “songs in my head” I have become enthralled with some types of music that I never before liked.  I do want to write about that, but not quite yet.  I want to see if it is just a temporary quirk or if is is something that will remain.

Even though, once again, this post has turned into something completely different than what I had intended, it has expressed some thoughts and feelings inside me.  And this time, interestingly enough, I believe I still have the time, energy, desire to write the Spanish post.  So, hopefully, you will soon see that one.


Am I a Doer or just a Thinker?

4 Apr

I’ve always thought of myself as a doer.  But lately I’ve been wondering if maybe I am really more of just a thinker.  Somehow the idea of being just a thinker has never appealed to me.  I’ve always thought of myself as being out there, actually doing something.

Yet so very, very often it is just ideas that grab me.  Of course I have desires and sometimes even intentions of acting on the ideas.  But most of the time I don’t.  Sometimes I berate myself because of this inaction to DO something.

Now though, I seem to slowly be coming to the conclusion that it’s acceptable, maybe even beneficial to my self to be just a thinker.  And maybe, just maybe, I will get to the place where I won’t even have to attach the “just” to the thinker part.

So many things grab my interest.  Natural buildings.  Gardening,  Self-sufficiency.  Those have been my mainstays over the years.  Then there are the ones that seem to come and go–sewing, knitting, art, technology, outdoor recreation, healthy eating, and food in general.

I’ve always been interested in tying new things.  But–perhaps it is just that I’m getting older–but now it seems that I’m not really doing so much.  Yet, surprisingly I don’t feel regret.

No regret that I haven’t canoed the backwaters of northern MN, for instance.  (I had taken an Outdoor Women class with my granddaughter and enjoyed the canoeing part so much I wanted to do more.)  I found the MN and other sites on the web.  I ordered flyers of canoeing events from MN, NY, FL and GA.  I checked out Road Scholar canoe events in different places.  Many were women only, but not all.  I intended to take in a canoeing event somewhere, sometime.  But, it just seemed the sometime never came.  (Although when I think back on it now, I do remember the 2 day trip I took down one of our area rivers.  Perhaps that trip was sufficient enough to prove that I could do it.  Now I’m wondering–do I do things more because I want/like to or to prove I can??  I’ll have to think on this and maybe get back to it later.)

I’ve been giving the excuse of wanting to be with family.   This excuse is in my mind, to myself mostly, because really it is only to me–not others–that it matters weather or not I do something.  When I think of it now, I realize that although it is true I like to be with family, they certainly haven’t been keeping me from doing things.  Indeed, in the past, when I’ve participated in different activities, it has enriched my interaction with my family.

I wonder now, if maybe I am just slowing down.  Or maybe I’ve just been going through a slump and will regenerate again.  Who knows?

I smile as I read this.  It seems I’ve gotten off of my original thought.  But maybe I haven’t.  Maybe it’s the thoughts (notice I’m not saying ‘just the thoughts’) of doing things that have sustained me.

I’m slowly realizing that it’s OK to be just interested in things.  I don’t have to actually do everything (or even anything, for that matter) that interests me.  I can enjoy talking about things that interest me.  I can enjoy writing about them.  And I can enjoy thinking. just thinking, about them.  Thinking about things that I am interested in is a wonderful part of who I am.  It keeps me energized–on the inside even when it doesn’t carry through to acting on the ideas.

It gives me a kind of thrill, now, realizing that I have discovered something new about myself.  Just in writing this post!  I’m becoming so much more accepting of myself.  I’m learning to actually like who I am.  Not everything, of course.  I still have a long way to go in some aspects of my life.  But, it’s good that I can now say (again, mostly in my mind, to myself) that I’m ok with who I am.  It’s ok to be a thinker.  It’s even more than just ok.  It’s a good thing.

Thinking is something that I can take with me everywhere, anytime.  It isn’t reserved for special occasions or special times.  It has been and will continue to be my constant companion.  It always has been.  It’s just taken me a long time to value it.

So back to my original question…. I believe I am both a Doer and a Thinker.  Each has its place and its time.  One is not necessarily better than the other.  They are both a part of who I am.

Now I’m thinking ahead of posts that I will write.  About all my interests.  Sometimes I’ve thought about writing about something, but didn’t because I hadn’t had any practical experience with it.  But now, maybe I will write about something just because it interests me.  I can post the workshop events that excite me.  About the technology that amazes while sometimes frustrates me.  The questions of what would it be like if….

And I’ll keep learning.  About myself, about things around me, things that interest me.  I’ll leave the things of the old self behind.  It was good for then, but this is now.  I’m not the same person I was yesterday.  Nor will I be the same person in my tomorrows.  Maybe I won’t be actively canoeing in my tomorrow, but I can be in my dreams.  And, who knows?  Maybe tomorrow will bring a new surge of energy or a new interest.  Or maybe an old interest will reawaken within me.  Maybe I will just have period of reflecting, discarding, and renewing just by thinking.  I want/need to continue to enjoy the learning and not regret the leftovers.  Because they, too, are part of what makes me who I am.

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