Feeling the itch to write

12 Aug

I knew It had been quite a while since I had posted, but was surprised that it has been two months.  Needless to say, I’ve had a busy summer.

Needless to say—what a strange expression.  If one doesn’t need to say something, why say it?  Yet sometimes we feel we need to point out or accent the obvious.  Just one example of how strange we humans can be.

Although I have been busy, I have still found moments to contemplate.  I’ve thought about writing several times, but never had the need to.  Which tells me, again, how this blog is as much for me as it is for my readers.

I love it when I see there are people following my blog.  I especially love the comments.  And the stats continue to inspire me.  Yet I’m not really writing for others, although I hope what I write will interest others.  I write because I NEED to.  I’m not sure why that is, it is just how it is.

This blog is my outlet.  The one place where I can say what I’m thinking about without fearing I’m boring others.  It’s a place where can get my thoughts out, where I can think as I write.

I have been thinking of what a strange person I am.  How changeable.  After I looking at some of my earlier posts.  I noticed in one post I mention of how I want to be “in the moment” really experiencing life.  In another I tell how of how I fill hours with my stories, times when I’m certainly NOT “in the moment”.  I guess it is just that I need different things at different times.

For instance, I get energy by being with people.  Yet I must have my quiet times.  It is the quiet times where I recharge.  If I don’t have the quiet times, I soon run out of energy and don’t want to be with people.  But if the quiet, being alone times, drag out too long, then I lose energy.  I retreat too far within myself.  When I realize that  is happening I know I must make the effort to get with people again, to get involved with something.  As I reflect on this, I wonder if maybe that is part of why I have so many different interests or outlets.  Maybe some of them are just tools, so to speak, to get me out of a rut, to pull me back into the swing of things.

I have been aware lately of how the experiences in life changes my perspective or response to things.  After my divorce, I was filled with energy and desire to experience different activities and social situations.  Yet, now, five years after the death of my husband, I am just beginning to feel that pull to the social scene.  I have forced myself to join in because I knew I needed it.  And I have enjoyed the activities.  But, now, I realize I want to get more involved with life.  I wonder if forcing myself out into society is what has given me the desire or if time has just done its work.

Along with wanting more social activities, I find myself wanting other changes.  I am a very changeable person.  If fact, I believe I thrive on change.  Changeable interests, activities,and even the desire to be in different places.   Many times just reading or thinking about these desires is enough.  But, other times, I need to actually experience them.  Although I usually think about something for some time before I actually do it, occasionally I just jump in and do something.  I wonder if that occurs when I have been feeling an urge for change, yet haven’t settled on anything.  Then something unexpected comes along and I go for it.

I wonder, too, why my response to joining the social scene was different after my divorce compared to after the death of my second husband.  I lost a marriage both times.  I grieved both times.  Yet the divorce seemed to give me a freedom, whereas the loss of my husband just filled me with loss.  Maybe the difference was in what I grieved.  In the divorce I grieved the loss of my marriage.  But when I lost my husband, I grieved for the loss of HIM.  Quite a difference, really.  Like in one of my earlier posts where I compared being alone with being lonely.  So it seems that is is, perhaps, not life’s experiences themselves that change my actions or reactions  but my feelings prior and after the experience.

Well.  This doesn’t seem like a very satisfactory conclusion to my post, but I seems to have said all I wanted to say.  This writing business is kind of weird sometimes.  I feel such a need to write, then suddenly I’m finished.  There is no more to come out. So until next time….



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